The Onion really nails it with this article, U.S. Renews Contract With Spotted Ground Squirrels Through 2015. It doesn’t exactly stray from their standard template of putting a wacky concept on top of a standard news article, but the little touches make it. As in:

Under the terms of the agreement, which was conducted through third-party labor mediators, the ground squirrels will be responsible for scurrying up and down trees; rustling in undergrowth; chittering; and eating a variety of seeds, berries, and nuts.

The contract stipulates the nation’s spotted ground squirrels be paid $345 million over five years and also provides for performance-based bonuses.